There’s a moment that happens when someone you care about is in crisis.
It might be obvious — they’re crying, panicking, saying frightening things, or falling apart in front of you.
Or it might be quieter — they stop replying, they disappear from community, they look “fine” but their eyes aren’t really there.
Either way, you can feel it: something is wrong.
And suddenly you’re standing at the edge of a situation you can’t control.
Most people want to help.
Most people do help — in the way they know how.
But crisis has a strange way of exposing the gap between good intentions and what actually works.
So here’s what I’ve learned: What helps, what doesn’t, and what to do if you’re not sure.
First: what a crisis actually is
A crisis isn’t always dramatic. It isn’t always a breakdown. It isn’t always an emergency response.
Sometimes a crisis is simply this:
- someone is overwhelmed beyond their capacity
- they feel unsafe (emotionally, physically, mentally, socially)
- they can’t access the supports they normally rely on
- their decision-making gets flooded or distorted
- they’re not sure they can keep going
In other words: their internal world is on fire, and your job isn’t to lecture them about fire safety.
Your job is to help them survive the moment.
What helps (even if you feel awkward doing it)
1. Calm presence
The single most underrated crisis skill is this:
Stay.
Not with big speeches. Not with perfect words.
Just with steady, grounded presence.
Crisis makes people feel alone, and the nervous system responds to isolation like danger.
Your calmness is not nothing — it’s a form of support.
Even a sentence like:
“I’m here. You’re not doing this alone.”
can be a handrail.
2. Gentle questions, not interrogation
A person in crisis often feels either:
- invisible, or
- under attack
So instead of drilling them with “Why are you doing this?” or “What happened?” try soft, simple questions:
- “What’s the hardest part right now?”
- “What do you need most in this moment?”
- “Are you safe right now?”
- “Do you want solutions, or do you want someone to sit with you?”
That last one is gold.
3. Practical help, not vague offers
This is one of the biggest differences between real help and polite help.
Instead of:
“Let me know if you need anything.”
Try:
- “I can come over tonight, or I can call you — which would help more?”
- “Do you want me to drive you to your appointment?”
- “I’m going to drop dinner at your door at 6pm — is that okay?”
- “Do you want me to sit with you while you make that phone call?”
When someone is in crisis, they often can’t think clearly enough to “let you know.”
You’re not being pushy.
You’re being supportive.
4. Helping them reduce choices
Crisis overloads the brain. Too many options becomes paralysis.
Instead of open-ended:
“What do you want to do?”
Offer two safe choices:
- “Do you want to sit in the lounge or go for a short walk?”
- “Do you want quiet, or do you want to talk?”
- “Do you want me to stay, or would you like space with check-ins?”
This makes the situation feel manageable.
5. Language that removes shame
Crisis often comes with shame:
- “I’m too much.”
- “I’m a burden.”
- “I should be stronger.”
- “I’m failing.”
Your job is not to argue them out of it aggressively.
Your job is to quietly dismantle shame with truth:
- “You’re not a burden.”
- “It makes sense that you’re struggling.”
- “This is hard — you don’t have to perform strength for me.”
- “I’m not going anywhere.”
6. Helping them connect to support
Sometimes you’re not the right person to hold everything — and that’s okay.
Crisis support can include:
- a trusted friend
- a pastor/minister
- a GP
- a counsellor
- a helpline
- emergency services (when needed)
You can say:
“I’m with you. Let’s find someone who can support you properly.”
And then actually help them do it.
What doesn’t help (even if it’s well-meaning)
1. Trying to fix them
A crisis isn’t a DIY project.
When someone is flooded, solutions often land as:
- “You’re broken.”
- “You’re doing it wrong.”
- “Stop being difficult.”
- “Just be normal.”
Even good advice can feel like blame.
2. Minimising
These are the phrases that shut people down fast:
- “It’s not that bad.”
- “Others have it worse.”
- “You’ll be fine.”
- “Just think positive.”
- “Everything happens for a reason.”
Even if you believe those things — crisis is not the moment.
People don’t need their pain explained away.
They need it held safely.
3. Making it about you
Sometimes we panic when someone is in crisis because it triggers our own fear.
So we say things like:
- “This is stressing me out.”
- “I can’t handle this.”
- “Why are you doing this to me?”
I get it. It’s human.
But it makes the person in crisis feel like they have to manage your emotions — and that’s the opposite of what they need.
4. Forcing meaning or spirituality
This matters especially in faith communities.
Even if someone is a believer, crisis can be a moment where faith feels:
- distant
- confusing
- angry
- numb
- empty
Telling someone in crisis:
- “God is teaching you something.”
- “You just need to pray more.”
- “Have more faith.”
- “This is spiritual warfare.”
…can land as cruelty, even when it’s not intended.
Sometimes the most spiritual thing you can do is:
bring food, stay close, and don’t abandon them.
5. Gossip disguised as concern
This one is devastating.
People in crisis often lose trust because their pain becomes “information.”
Unless there’s immediate safety risk, don’t spread it.
Ask:
“Who do you want to know?”
And honour their answer.
What to do if you’re scared
Let’s be real: crisis can be scary.
You might worry:
- “What if I say the wrong thing?”
- “What if they hurt themselves?”
- “What if I make it worse?”
- “What if I get pulled into something too big?”
If you’re scared, that doesn’t mean you’re selfish.
It means you’re aware.
Here’s a steady approach:
- Stay calm.
- Check safety (“Are you safe right now?”)
- Don’t leave them alone if there’s risk.
- Call in support.
- Keep it simple.
- Don’t promise what you can’t deliver.
And if you need help, you can say:
“I care about you, and I’m not leaving you alone in this. I’m going to get support with you.”
A short script you can use
If you don’t know what to say, try this:
“I’m really glad you told me.
I’m here with you.
You don’t have to be okay right now.
Let’s take one small step at a time.”
That’s enough.
That’s more than enough.
After the crisis: what helps long-term
Here’s the part people forget.
After crisis, many people feel:
- embarrassed
- ashamed
- exhausted
- fragile
- worried you’ll treat them differently
So what helps is continuity.
A message the next day.
A check-in the next week.
An invitation that doesn’t pressure them.
Crisis isn’t only about surviving the moment.
It’s also about rebuilding safety afterward.
The heart of it
Crisis doesn’t need you to be impressive.
It needs you to be:
- present
- calm
- kind
- steady
- practical
- honest
You don’t have to fix them.
You just have to help them get through the moment without being alone in it.
And sometimes that’s the most human thing we ever do for each other.
